She stood by the window. It was a hot summer day, but she couldn’t allow herself to take off her head cover, because as usual her husband might come in with a stranger. She thought that at least she was alone- this was one of the scarce moments in which she could listen only to herself. Her children were at school, but she was prepared to see them coming back walking down the street. She loved her children, but she couldn’t forget that she didn’t want to have children, and this made her feel even more guilt. She couldn’t forget that each one of her children was conceived after an emotional and physical rape. she hated her husband and despised him. She didn’t choose him as a husband, and always felt the chill of repulsion when he passed by. She felt that with everyday passing she hates him more. She remembered how when she was sixteen he used to follow her and scare her. When she refused him he went to her father and convinced him to approve the marriage. She didn’t refuse because she knew very well that there was no point in arguing any thing her father demanded.
She was tired. Her husband got sick and couldn’t work anymore. She spent all day in the kitchen baking, and after that she walked for hours to sell the cakes to her neighbors. Everyone loved her cakes and she felt the satisfaction of being able to use her creativity in something she loved that was approved by the society and her family. Unfortunately, lately she feels too tired to enjoy what she was doing.
She saw her two girls walking down the street and remembered the reason of the anger and sadness she felt all day. Last night she told her husband that she is wishing her daughters to acquire academic education. He asked her not to think about this anymore because their daughters are going to get married as soon as possible. She realized that her daughters are going to be just like her, and hated herself for thinking about submission one more time.
This story is based on the lives of women I meet very often due to my job as a mental health professional.